Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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