He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm bleeding and have questions
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
