i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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