I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
