I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
