Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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