I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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