Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I need moral support for this bender
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
