we have pet lesbian snakes
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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