i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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