Swine flu. Run for my life!
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
