I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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