anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
