Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
