My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
