he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
