i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
