My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
