Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
