Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
