Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
