I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
