Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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