drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
