Michael Bay diarrhea
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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