Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
