Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
there is glitter all over my balls
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
