i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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