He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
