Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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