Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
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In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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