oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
