A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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