my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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