rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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