I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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