He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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