this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
