hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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