It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
