Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just had sex on a roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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