Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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