Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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