I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
