Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
