Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
