The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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