wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
