I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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