No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
