I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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