I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
