I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
