I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
