yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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