I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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